hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
