I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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