i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize