last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
