PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
