I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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