I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
