We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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