Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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