I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
