I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You ruined the universe
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
