my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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