I'm eating all of the evidence.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
