I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
this just has baby written all over it
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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