accomplished twins. life is a go
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
