Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
