I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
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You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
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It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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