You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
