you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
