I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
