On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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