They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
