my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you never un-have a 4some
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
