using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
