We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
