i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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