Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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