Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
