I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
