Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My bed smells like the plague
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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