I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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