If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
