If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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