he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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