I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
