I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
