I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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