Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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