I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
