I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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