you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
