My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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