Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
