Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
