Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
