Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
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So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
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It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i now understand why vodka
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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