Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
