Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
