i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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