So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
