I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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