i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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