im having a threesome with these popsicles
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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