I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
