so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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