i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
