I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I am one with the molecules
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
