i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Terrible idea I love it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear