just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
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My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him