dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.