dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.