Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special